I thought of many ways to begin this post. I thought of starting with an excited greeting and a brief apology for my absence then move quickly to other interesting topics. At one point, I felt I should talk about where I’ve been and why I was MIA. No matter how I wrote this post in my head, each one had an apology.
From the deepest parts of my heart, I apologise for being absent for too long. To the people who sent mails and inquired of my whereabouts, thank you. Your kindness is immeasurable.
I started this post last November. I’m ashamed I let it stretch this long. It was supposed to be a hair update but I never got past one paragraph despite the number of times I typed and retyped. That’s when I realised I had a problem. I couldn’t write. I wasn’t blank. I had topics in my head. I knew what to write but I couldn’t put them down. I would open the WordPress app, stare at it and sometimes visualise my creativity crouched in a corner refusing to be roused.
I made some research to know if there were some people who had felt the same way while grieving. It was a sort of relief to know I wasn’t alone. I picked up little projects to help me push up the snitch called “Creativity”. I did feel betrayed by my own self and I also felt it wasn’t fair I had to go through this. Many times I felt the world was leaving me behind.
Unfortunately, this blog wasn’t the only thing suffering. I remember I had a piece of Ankara, bangle and glue to make an ankara bangle on my bed for 3 weeks and I would not touch it. I was too scared and reluctant to do anything. I didn’t want to do anything yet I knew I had to do something. God bless the internet. I learnt later on my problem was motivation. I had no form of motivation around me.
I spoke to certain friends who would encourage me, try to push me but nothing. Some people gave up along the way, some didn’t understand what I wanted. I stopped trying to explain to some people altogether. Eventually, I had to solve my problem myself.
One thing I have learnt is grief is a journey. Its really sad it’s not a short one either. Sometimes, the ride is bumpy and rough, sometimes its slow and smooth and I don’t remember anything, most times there’s a bump and the smooth sail stops.
I learnt most importantly not to let anyone teach/force me on how to go through this journey. I understood it was all love and concern, but it didn’t help me.
I couldn’t have come this far on my own though and I have too many people to thank. A lifetime is not enough to repay all you’ve done for me. You never know who really loves you until you’re broken and in need. Some friends vanished and I hold nothing against them. I know its not everybody that knows how to handle grief. A friend told me when it started “You have a lot of people around you now, give them 2 weeks and they would disappear.” True enough it happened. After 2 weeks, I weaned from all the extra love, affection and concern. It was business as usual except for selected few.
I’m happy now. Very happy infact! My joy is tied to no one but to hope and faith that there is always light at the end of a tunnel and God has got me.
I miss writing and I feel a sense of completeness in my ability to finish this post. I’m going to be more active than I was and there would be a few changes to the blog soon. Make sure you stay tuned so you dont miss it.